Last night I was getting my non-verbal daughter ready for bed. Part of her night routine she is in a position where I need to ask if she is done. Some days she is clear, other days yells, she cries or just looks at me exhausted and apathetic. And since I am a mother, one of my jobs is to be the pain in the neck to push her to talk.
I walked over to her, “Are you done Hannah?”
She rolls her eyes at me.
My sense of humor was set to level 100 last night and I looked at her. “Where are your words Hannah?’ Blank blinking at me. So I lean in and look in her ears. “Where are your words? Are they in here?” I see the amusement in her eyes and she acts shy. I get down on my knees look into her eyes carefully. “Where are your words? Are they in your eyes?” She smiles wide and bite her tongue. I examine her mouth. “Where are your words are they stuck?” I tug at her hands and examine them. “Have you caught them in your hands?”
I see the wheels turning in her head. She loves the attention and the humor but she is 17 she wants to be un-complacent but she is ready to go to bed. “Are you all done?” I ask she knows how to say all done she has been saying it since she was three. “Up?” I ask another word she uses regularly. From experience I know I have just complicated this experience more. She is now searching to say something else to convey the same meaning. She will try to comply in the most minimum way but in a way that shows she is and independent person from me, and original. (So proud of her for this.)
She laughs as I repeat the searching her for words game and eventually she says with a giggle. “Fine, yeah.” When I ask if she is all done.
We start the end of the routine I find myself smiling at the synchronicities in my life. After my blog about resilience I had a few friends reach out to me to let me know I was heard and offer amazing affirmation of friendship.
I have this thing about balance and doing my share in relationships. I have a few people question me about how I can’t just take and feel I need to reciprocate. This is complicated, has to do with my history. I have always been raised to do my share and take nothing for granted. I don’t want to go into the whole width and breath of this. But in my experience in love in all its forms has taught me the imbalance in give and take causes great rifts in relationships. It opens up for certain types of abuse.
So with this huge act of service to me, I reached back to people and find out what they need back. It may not be an act of service in return. But the thing is the problem is people are scared to voice their needs. Their words have been swallowed, bitten back and crushed. Through the prism of people demanding the truth of them, then listener imposing their will back instead of acknowledging what the individual needs. They make a judgement and don’t even start a negotiation, they shut it down with shame, and making the other feel inconsiderate.
So I find myself looking at my friends and love ones wanting to say. “Where are your words about your emotions? Who took them from you? Why are you so scared to look at them? Why when I find your deep emotions do you react with anger, what is this fear about?”
I have my suspicions but I don’t think they will let me look in the ears. Thoughtful expression, maybe I should try their shoes? Those have souls right?
Comments