I have been toying with this idea of writing about living with uncertainty The constant vertigo of a place where you have no idea what will happen in the future. I am not coming from a place of authority or thought police. I am writing this from the place of experience and how I get by. I am the parent of medically fragile child and I have been mentally living in this state for over 16 years now.
My daughter came home on a Ventilator in 2004 with a tracheostomy, and a feeding tube. That world one dreams of at the prospect of having children and a family with soccer games and carpools evaporated along with the idea I had any control over anything in my world.
It was the last straw as it were. I did the straight “As” course in school and directly went to college. Gainful employment beyond retail still was hard to find. So when I decided to be a stay at home mom and have children. I took all the recommended precautions including organic eating and following the best odds diet. I have two children and when my daughters genes are tested they come up typical. She currently is still a complicated individual. Let’s just say I live in the world with no road map. Limbo is a state of being.
So here are a list of truth on how I cope.
A. I have no control of anything except how I react.
1. Plans and training are great and useful. They are not guarantees. But thinking through what if scenarios is a good way of setting a mind at ease
2. IIt is OK, if I don’t have the answers, there is no one best answer. There are many and discussion and trying things out is good approach to the unknowable.
a. I know I will make mistakes
b. I am will also find brilliant solutions
3. I don’t get caught up in “shoulds” I focus on what I can do. Factors for these decisions involve: Energy, resources and time
B. Emotions are part of processing.
1. Sadness and anger are valid emotions. I find ways to deal with them without hurting others. They are not excuses to be an asshole.
2. And if I do lash out on others, apologize and consciously make an effort to handle it a different way in the future.
a. I Forgive myself when I slip, the shame spiral will not help me proceed
b. Make it up to those I have wronged
C. I allow for pivoting in any plan.
1. Plans are great but over committing to a course causes problems
2. Allow for change
3. Allow that it wasn't as helpful as I thought
4. Tweak it, or throw it out and start over as many times as I need to
D. Catharsis and Acceptance is necessary for moving forward.
1. Sometimes I need to talk to someone who isn’t solving my problem they just listen to me complain. I am clear of first getting permission to download and telling them what I need then I do it.
2. Cry
3. I accept that fear and anger are valid emotions.
4. I Rest
5. I know when I am ready I will focus on what I can do.
6. I try to make at least one moment a day I can control that is something I enjoy and will make me smile.
In the end our jobs in this is to survive. One of the thoughts that have gotten me through when exhausted and pulling myself out of bed that 20th time to make sure my daughter is breathing when her pulse-oxymeter is complaining the saturation is low is this:
We are an amazing species we can adapt to anything. We can achieve anything.
We will survive this. Yes, parts of society may change. But believe me it will just morph as it always has. Hopefully, we will all come out appreciating each other and the planet we live on more. Or we may not. But survival is the goal at the moment.
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