First Steps

The first step for me in accomplishing anything is to have a goal. Now, some of my goals are not grand or the things others would look at and go, “Wow, that is something!” Sometimes they are as small and simple as “I will find something that I enjoy to do, today!”

Because before a goal, you need to actually know what you want.

I found myself after the haze of children and the birth of a medically involved child that there was nothing in the day I enjoyed.

Even though I wanted to be a mother and both of my kids were planned. I knew it would not be easy. But chaos is this tangible thing in my life where sometimes I feel like it keeps thinking I am saying, “Please I would like some more.”

I knew kids would be work but I was looking forward to that time when we could have adventures go on hikes and see the world together, talk about ideas, play games and read together.

I personally am a slob and hate housework.

I thought each child would just put me behind in my goals and dreams by 5 years. My daughter requires more time than that. Yes, us women never talk about this. But each child affects a career. You really can’t have it all.

So, I was facing days of intense work of taking care of kids, spouse, house and me. My daughter’s need supplanting everything else meanwhile making sure our son’s emotional needs were being met too. No matter how tired I was, I would take the time for what ever he wanted to talk about or do.

Lots of time I was in a room exhausted and not sure when I would go outside again or ever even wonder a bookstore again. Simple goals.

It started with moments. “Yes,” I decided, “I would take a moment to start a pot of water boiling and make some tea which I would put sweetener in and milk. I would have cookies and dunk them in it.”

Another mind saver was the decision to get handheld gaming systems to help me deal with my toddler son during my daughter’s doctor office visits. This was also a nice distraction to get me out of my head and could be paused. I listened to books on mp3 players.

At some point I realized the time on video games I could be spending on the ideas in my head. Since the chemicals in my art supplies made it impossible to do art around the kids and some of the way techniques work. I can’t pause in the middle of a blending sky can come back to it. I realized I can always pause in a sketch or in writing.

My goals became to do either a sketch or some writhing every day. I viewed it as a treat.

Sketch of my kids from when they were toddlers

So, these simple goals were where I began.

The narrative in my head “Oh good, I get to …”